Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips