Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

The internet is full of many things

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her: