Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

Breaking news:

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”