Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

neighborhood watch

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.