Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
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Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.