Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.