Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”