wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
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I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest