Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

If you know, you know

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Facebook memories be like

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.