Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

😂

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

this article brought to you by lions

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.