Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
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Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
“fuck you and the horse you rode in on” is a top tier saying like idk what the horse did but fuck them too for bringing ur ass here
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.