Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.