Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.