wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
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When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
I falcon love using swear birds
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.