wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
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Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Fixed this for Shakespeare
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?