WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
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ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Finally!
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”