WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
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Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Owl Sanctuary
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Don’t talk down to me
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.