WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
You Might Also Like
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.