Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

😭😭

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”