Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

Every time my phone rings

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!