Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

Peace was never an option

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

This tweet has been deleted

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.