Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

Made something I’m not proud of

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger