Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

it’s a van. how do they not know this

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!