Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

Just how popey was the pope today?

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

That’s what I call a flat tire

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.