Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

You know I’m something of a chef myself

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally