Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

4 pm:
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9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.