Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
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You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
is this how new cars are made??
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?