Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
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when you are just born a rebel
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.