Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

My neck, my back, my…

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant