Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.