Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
what the hell pray for carter everyone
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.