Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s