Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.