Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

seems fine

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

cat faces on other animals, a thread

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.