WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
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The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship