Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
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You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds