Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
