Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

😂

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.