wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
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I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit