Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

This will teach them to underestimate me

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

Okay me first

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.