Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When news reporters do sports stories

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

When you “pspspsp” too hard

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes