Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

Just ordered me some pizza!

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*