WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
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Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.