Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eating my hot dog hamburger style

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU