@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

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@squirrel74wkgn

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

@Cpin42

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

@MelvinofYork

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

@DsTwitz

If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.

@lejessica

I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.

@sip_at_home_mom

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

@stephenjmolloy

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

@SteveSuckington

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

@LooseTalks_Girl

When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.

@HatfieldAnne

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.