Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
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7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
real
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
R.I.P.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.