Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
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10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.
I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.