Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
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Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
A fake ID that makes you younger
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶