Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?