Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

I created you as mosquito food.

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

How to draw a duck

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.