Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

The Sun

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police