Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

My Sentiments Exactly

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈