Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

I just ran a .003048K

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

A tragic love story in two pictures.

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

dog: [brings sticks inside]

me: no that belongs outside

me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]

dog: what the actual shit is this

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!