Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One venti cheeseburger please.

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

What do you hear?

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

Oh yeh? Explain this then

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.