Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
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It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
incredible
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
not seeing the problem
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.