Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
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Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Double negatives are never not confusing.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.