Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Lucky old June.
new wife guy just dropped
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back