Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

Who needs an Air Fryer?

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

I hope you folks are recycling correctly

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.