[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
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Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
How dude HOW?!
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
finally
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings