[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
You Might Also Like
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
