[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
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So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
Hello Twits.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Rather alarming headline…
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
