[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
You Might Also Like
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.