Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”