WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
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Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Mood.. 😂
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
The “baby” on the left….
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.