WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
You Might Also Like
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Matt Goss
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.