Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion