Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

choose your gary

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes