Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience