[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
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HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I like long walks away from everyone
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.