Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
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Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Isn’t
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me