Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
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I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face