Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dog when i have a friend over

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

Thursday Thought.

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳