Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
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I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.