Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.