Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

Google assistant rules

Left at a local drug store…

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.