Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
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School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Lmao the reply
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?