Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
You Might Also Like
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!