Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?